Here’s a good way to win me over in both real life and in video games: Give me a damn spaceship. If you did, you’d find that the majority of my complaints against your considerable flaws (we all have them, except Toad, who is the best) would disappear. Because I now have a spaceship, and I can leave your dusty arse on this earth whenever I please.
While many of you have failed me in this regard, video games have not. This autumn, two of them gave me a spaceship: The Outer Worlds and Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order. I will be including them in my will; the rest of you should try again sometime before I turn 40, when lawyers on TV advise me to have some sort of notarised plan for my considerable estate of student loan debt.
I should probably clarify what I mean by “spaceship” here, because not any old rustbucket will do. I want something with decks. If we are talking Star Wars terms, maybe something like a small cruiser or corvette, maybe an Intrepid-class if you prefer Star Trek’s Federation. Too big and greedy of me? Fair. Really, I just want a Normandy from Mass Effect in every video game, and also real life.
Here are a list of reasons why.
- Space is fucking cool.
- Spaceships are fucking cool.
- I like when video games give me a place that’s my own? Where everyone kind of has their own place to live, and a few common areas to hang out? And then when you poke around, suddenly you see one dude who normally hangs out in the engine room like a pervert is suddenly in the mess hall with the lady who’s usually in the lab and you’re like wow, these feel like real people.
- I like saying “get off my boat.”
- I also like saying “punch it!” or “engage!”
- If you have a spaceship, someone will try to invade it by the third act. Then you can say “I’m taking back my ship,” like Admiral Adama in Battlestar Galactica (the new, good one).
- Spaceship battles are the sole provenance of tactical geniuses who are good at giving orders, two things that I feel describe me perfectly.
- It would be cool to tan my bum with UV rays from Alpha Centauri.
In conclusion, give me a spaceship, because I will put it to better use than anyone else you can think of.