Kingdom Hearts III Is an Unreviewable Video Game

By Tim Rogers on at

I love the Kingdom Hearts series. Furthermore, I believe I “understand” the Kingdom Hearts series. After careful consideration, I have decided that Kingdom Hearts III might be an “unreviewable” video game. This is precisely why I suggest you don’t read any reviews of Kingdom Hearts III. I present my case in this video.

This video suffices as a confession: 13 years ago, I wrote a scathingly negative review of Kingdom Hearts II entirely for the attention. I had found myself in possession of a Japanese copy of the game a whole month before its release, and so I blasted through it in a weekend before writing an awful, snippy 600-word review in which I awarded the game zero stars out of four, knowing full well that the internet would hate me for it. I am not entirely sure, though I believe my review was the first one published in English. That review earned me more than 4 million page views and 6,000 irate comments. In this video, I apologise for doing this in what I hope comes across as a sincere tone.

In this video, I beg long-time fans of any video game series or entertainment franchise to never, ever seek validation from a jerk like the guy I was thirteen years ago. As I often say, “If it doesn’t involve doing something actually illegal, it’s not a ‘guilty pleasure.’”

This video also aspires to celebrate the Kingdom Hearts series. In it I tell you why I think the series is immortally great. I also encourage you to jump into the series with the third instalment. I urge you to embrace total, bold blindness, to swim in the series’ lore. I implore you to be lost. I explain to you quite rationally that to play these games is and always has been to play them out of order.

The Kingdom Hearts series is a writhing nest of inside-out ouroboros-ing enchanted eels. The longer Kingdom Hearts lives, the more immune it grows to criticism of a non-fan. As typhoon-sized hype mounts for Kingdom Hearts III, it’s never been harder to be not a fan of Kingdom Hearts.

If you like Kingdom Hearts, you’ve always been loving Kingdom Hearts. So why not try liking Kingdom Hearts?

Please watch this video, in which I say “Kingdom Hearts” many, many times.

Note: Between my making this video and my posting it on Kotaku, a situation arose which requires me to write Kotaku’s review of Kingdom Hearts III. I promise I did not orchestrate this, though I must admit I find it a hilariously shocking plot twist worthy of a Kingdom Hearts game. The sentiments I expressed in this video remain sincere in spite of this recent development. In fact, it perfectly feels like I’ve challenged myself. Please, then, consider this video Episode 0.6 of Kingdom Hearts III: The Kotaku Review.