Part of life as a website editor is the huge number of nonsensical surveys you get sent by a cavalcade of dodgy marketing types. They'll do anything to get on your site and concoct the most fantastical schemes for doing so: huge custom graphics, big spreadsheets full of data, suggested headlines, all with the most tenuous of connections to gaming. Fortnite players LOVE these headphones! Dear reader, I protect you from such clowns on a daily basis.
But today, your hoary defender's eyebrows were raised so high that they still haven't come back down. Take a bow GoCompare, because you got your link. Here's what it did to deserve it: this insurer "analysed over 500,000 pet names in its pet insurance quote database." So we now know what half a million people in the UK have called their cat or dog. Presumably it's not worth getting insurance for hamsters.
Here's the top ten, pet-pickers:
- Yoshi: 84 pets are named this
- Mario: 82
- Zelda: 79
- Bowser: 38
- Luigi: 30
- Kirby: 30
- Link: 29
- Sonic: 24
- Tails: 15
- Crash: 15
Crash?!? No that doesn't count.
I actually 'researched' even further, desperate to know if anyone had a dog called Amaterasu. Sadly not! But what I can tell you is that eight pet owners have an animal called Koopa, and the other runners-up are Spyro (8), Knuckles (7), Toad (3), Pikachu (3), and Princess Peach (2). I'm genuinely surprised the Pikachu total is so low: what's up with that, Britain? Great name for a cat.
There are some absolute nuggets elsewhere in this batshit dataset. 29 people have pets called Halo. Kotaku UK's news editor Laura cautioned me that this might be more likely to have religious connotations than be a tribute to the Master Chief, but all I could think of was a bulldog riding a Warthog with that Marty O'Donnell score pumping. 14 pet owners have christened their animals Destiny, though notably none have chosen 'Destiny 2.'
Most mind-boggling of all, there are seven individuals on our glorious island that have christened their pets... FIFA. I'm not kidding. Wow! Unlike FIFA of course, cats just get worse with every year. Though all those tins of Sheba probably cost as much as a FUT habit.
I'm sorry but, when I discovered that (at least) 38 animals prowling the British streets are called Bowser, and thought about what an amazing name for a dog that is, I had to share the data. Now if you'll excuse me I gotta go buy an Alsatian and some red paint.