Stormy Daniels Says Donald Trump's Schlong Looks Like Toad

By Rich Stanton on at

Look, I know this is only tangentially related to video games... but it IS related to video games. You may have missed this, but the most powerful country in the world currently has the very stable genius Donald Trump in charge. There are a considerable number of controversies involving President Trump, one of the most eye-catching being the revelation that he had sex with porn star Stormy Daniels (real name Stephanie Clifford), who was subsequently paid $130,000 by Trump's personal lawyer Michael Cohen... who is currently co-operating with prosecutors.

Wow! It's hard to keep up with this stuff. The outlines of Ms. Daniels's story have been known for a while, but now comes the release of her well-named memoir Full Disclosure. The Guardian has got hold of a copy in advance of publication and, as well as noting Donald Trump's wang is “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small,” Daniels makes the following quite amazing comparison.

“He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…

I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart...

It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”

There is little ambiguity here. Stormy Daniels is saying that Trump's cock looks like Toad. Here is Toad, as he appears in Mario Kart.

Not pictured: the Super Horn item. I'm not going to provide an image of a penis, but I think we can all see how Stormy's visual imagination is operating.

OK so... I acknowledge Ms. Daniels' bravery in taking on this nasty and incredibly powerful man. May she eventually triumph in court. But by god Stormy... did you have to ruin Mario Kart to do it?!? Toad has been my god damn racer since the SNES and now I can never pick him again!

Or if I do pick him, I'll feel that I'm controlling Donald Trump's dick riding a go-kart. I suppose at least you'll always come first.

Sorry! I wonder if Trump shouts "I'm the best!"

Really sorry! I mean if you think about it this kinda fits... the princess WAS in another castle...

OK I'm super-sorry. What a world! Say what you will about Barack Obama, but at least the thought of his ding-dong never tainted the Mario universe. After this, who will ever swerve around Toad's Turnpike in a spirit of innocence again?

Nintendo never comments on rumour and speculation. A position that has rarely seemed wiser.