By Laura Kate Dale, Keza MacDonald, and Richard Stanton
2017 has been a somewhat bizarre year for video games, where expected norms have been shattered and the previously impossible has come true. Seriously, I doubt anyone at the start of 2017 predicted a piece of clothing would infest human minds in a family friendly adventure, or that a big-budget action title would feature actual orgies, but here we are. These are our picks for the most ridiculous things that happened in video games in 2017.
Watch Dogs 2 had vaginas, and Sony couldn’t deal
Vaginas, brrr!!! Who doesn’t feel a little shudder of fear at the very thought. Which may be why Watch Dogs 2’s straightforward incorporation of them caused such a stir – at least for the user who posted images of them, and then was promptly banned from PSN.
— Swizzasaur (@Swizzasaur) 13 November 2016
The fuss over the incorporation of an extremely common body part was such that, shortly after the news broke, Ubisoft vowed to patch out “particularly explicit” vaginas. Modest vaginas are fine. Unfortunately, it turned out that ALL vaginas must be particularly explicit, because eventually a patch removed them all from the game. Welcome to the games industry! Ultraviolence comes absolutely as standard, but no fannies thanks.
Star Fox 2 for the SNES was Released
A game many assumed had been totally lost to time, Star Fox 2 was actually released for the SNES this year, via the SNES classic. Before now unfinished code for the game had floated around online, but Nintendo actually took the time to finish the game off and release it properly. While reception was mixed, we were finally able to play a long lost piece of Nintendo history, and that doesn’t happen every day.
The Mario Nipple Hysteria
When Mario Odyssey was first revealed, it seemed like a fairly normal 3D Mario game. Travel the world, jump on stuff, easy-peasey. When E3 rolled around however, we were in for a surprise. Mario’s hat had the power of supernatural possession. Mario was a T-Rex, then he was a letter M, then a statue with sunglasses on, then a stack of goomba, then an honest to goodness human man. Was Mario not a human man? Were Bullet Bills always sentient? So many questions arose, and we had months to wait for any answers.
None of that was anything compared to the mass hysteria that happened, however, when the Internet saw a shot of Mario in boxer shorts. What were those things on his chest? Were they… NIPPLES?
Baywatch (2017) pic.twitter.com/6OKhwTVy2s
— woops (@woops) 13 September 2017
mario = nips
detailed fe character = no nips
nintendo explain pic.twitter.com/YdTC4wJLb5
— giselle (@giselledoodles) 13 September 2017
It went on for days, leading to rampant speculation about other game characters’ nips.
To quote the adventures of Conan, volume 69: "Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis? Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong? It's swell to have a stiffy it's divine to own a dick, from the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick."
Yep, you know what 2016 in video games had too little of? Fully rendered 3D wangs, ding dongs and schlongs. Thankfully, 2017 came to the rescue from an unlikely source. The people who own the Conan brand apparently thought the best way to reignite interest in their franchise was to let players whip their one eyed trouser snakes out, and it worked. An online game that might have otherwise gone under the radar was the name right near everyone’s lips thanks to a little help from a todger or two.
Del Toro stealing Babies in a weird parallel Kojima trailer
Honestly, this one shouldn’t have come as a surprise. We knew Hideo Kojima was working on a new game, and we really should have expected it to be as ridiculous as possible. Even with our expectations set at super ridiculous, I don’t think many people managed to successfully predict a trailer for Death Stranding where Guillermo Del Toro kidnaps babies from Norman Reedus, using a weird tube jar device, that syncs up perfectly if played side by side with the first trailer. It was a trailer that took some unpacking, that had hidden layers, and made us picture Del Toro as a baby thief, which was a new mental image.
McDonalds Mario toy looks like he’s taking a dump
This one speaks for itself. Look at it. Mario is taking a dump, and we’re giving that to kids over lunch. That’s just gross.
Beyond Good and Evil’s Swearing Monkeys
The most shocking part of Beyond Good and Evil 2 showing up at E3 2017 was amazingly not it’s appearance itself, as ridiculous and unexpected as that was. No, the most ridiculous and unexpected aspect of Beyond Good and Evil 2 showing up at E3 2017 was the whiplash-esque tonal shift from the first game.
When the trailer kicked off with a talking pig person, everyone knew what was about to happen - until the protagonist money decided to start swearing like a sailor. Seriously, such a foul mouth on that ape. It’s not an unwelcome surprise by any means, but it was certainly odd to see the sequel to a pretty family friendly cult classic end up splattered with F bombs left and right.
Mario and Rabbids teamed up
While Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle was rumoured to exist as far back as the summer of 2016, the fact that it not only came out, but was met with strong critical and commercial success, was a shocker to many. Nintendo leant its most beloved mascot out with the wide remit of creating a Mario game Nintendo had never made before, and the result showed that not only could Mario’s best mechanics translate to a strategy RPG, but the Rabbids could be infused with unique, endearing personalities. Rabbid Peach 4 life.
Assassin’s Creed Origins Orgy
As odd as this may sound, Assassin’s Creed Origins is hiding an… oddly well-developed orgy scene, that can be spotted through careful world manipulation. If you find a specific brothel, and position yourself so you can see in through the window, naked bodies can be seen enjoying each other. Sure, they don’t actually move, but they’re naked and making sounds. That’s sex, right?
Decksplash Gets Cancelled After Publicity Stunt Fails
Curve Digital’s Decksplash was basically Splatoon with skateboards, where players do trick on their boards to create paint splashes. It did well with Twitch and Youtube gamers, until Curve decided to try an ill-advised stunt: putting the game out for free, with a bounty on its head. If 100,000 players downloaded the game in seven days, while it was free, the game would come to Steam and be available for everyone to purchase. If not, it was going to get cancelled. A finished, playable video game.
I’ll give you one guess how that played out.
Decksplash failed to garner 100,000 players in its free week, and in just seven days this promising game went from growing in publicity, to cancelled completely.
What a world! If you think we missed something truly odd and weird which should have made the list, you know what to do: press that all-caps key and shout at us about it.