The time is nigh and the battle lines are drawn! Come tomorrow, Saturday August 5th, at 3pm, Splatoon 2’s inaugural Splatfest will commence. Night will fall, music will fill the air, and the aeons-old Great Condiment Debate will finally be settled. On one side of the line will stand the true purveyors of impeccable taste and sophistication: the mighty, fearsome (and also extremely attractive) Team Mayo. On the other side will be… well, the ketchup guys. Whatever.
For those yet to experience a Splatfest in its true form, there are a few points of note. Firstly, if you haven’t already joined a team DO SO NOW. You’ll find the registration booth in Inkopolis Square, outside Pearl and Marina's recording studio. Once you’ve signed up to a team, you’ll be gifted a gorgeous team t-shirt emblazoned with a glistening jar of mayo (because why on earth would you be joining them lot?!)
You’ll want to slip it on and start battling quick: that t-shirt has three empty ability slots, and you’d be wise to start filling them up ASAP by playing some matches before Splatfest starts. Those additional abilities could give you an edge when the real fun begins.
Oh, quick aside: did you know that people who enjoy a regular diet of mayonnaise are 300% more virile than their ketchup-loving counterparts? It’s interesting isn’t it? And were you aware that the chemicals in ketchup actually linger in the body for more than three weeks after consumption, slowly seeping an odour from your pores that smells like failure and desperation? That's the thing about cold hard scientific ketchup facts: even if you hate 'em, people flee the room thanks to your horrible tomatoey odour and you can't dispute 'em.
Anyway, back onto Splatfests and some of the finer detail. Splatfest begins on Saturday August 5th at 3pm, and will run through until 3pm on Sunday. That gives you 24 whole hours in which to lay waste to those fruit-jam-loving slapbags. When the final bell rings, Pearl and Marina will tally the votes and, a short while later, announce the winning sides. Which seems like a bit of a waste of time to be honest. It’s already pretty obvious which team will have the superior reflexes, cheekbones, and smoothy creamy shooting skills.
Another important note for newcomers: Unlike Splatoon 2’s usual two-map rotation system, Splatfest matches — which are locked to 4v4 Turf Wars — can occur on one of three possible maps. Nintendo has already revealed what one of those will be — and it’s pretty nifty. Known as Shifty Station, it’s a brand-new nighttime map that's exclusive to Splatfest events. The twist is that the layout of Shifty Station will change every Splatfest.
— Nintendo of America (@NintendoAmerica) July 31, 2017
Oh haha, I nearly forgot, one other thing: did you know that in ancient Egyptian times it was common practice to bathe in a pool of mayonnaise made with the freshly squeezed teat-milk of cats? It turns out mayonnaise is a natural preservative, and all that embalming stuff is a load of nonsense. Just smother yourself in mayo twice a day and you’ll literally look great forever. It’s a science fact!
Hm where was I? Oh yes, Shifty Station isn’t the end of the new stuff for Splatfest! The early hours of tomorrow will also bring a new weapon in the form of the Sploosh-o-matic. It kind of looks like a plunger, and good old Sheldon described it thusly in the original Splatoon: "With its wide muzzle, the Sploosh-o-matic is specialised for close-combat situations. This weapon set excels at opening holes in the opponents' defences for your teammates to exploit." In other words, it might come in handy once Splatfest begins, but you’ll probably want to get some practice in with it first.
— Nintendo UK (@NintendoUK) August 4, 2017
And that is that, really: all the crucial information that you’re likely to need. In the interests of continuing the obvious impartiality presented in this article, we’ve gathered up some of the best Splatoon 2 posts from around Inkopolis Square, rallying teammates from each side — and if you want to read more on why I love Splatfests so much, you can check out this article here. Which just leaves me with one final thing to say before tomorrow’s event: KETCHUP YOU'RE GOING DOOOOOOOOOOWN!!!!