Splatoon 2's Global Testfire (Nintendo's cute way of saying "open multiplayer test") is this weekend, and it might be the first time some people have played anything except Breath of the Wild on their Switch.
And poor, poor Princess Zelda. She's had to deal with you fannying around, throwing rocks at pigeons, getting moist for giant ladies and shark bois, and creating ludicrous physics-based visual jokes for the sake of a few likes on Twitter. And now you're a squid.
It's fine. She can wait. She's used to it. We're busy trying to re-learn the jump button, which is X in Zelda and B in Splatoon 2, because who needs standardisation?
# of times i've opened Splatoon 2's map: 12
# of times i've opened Splatoon 2's map on purpose: 0
— Nick Robinson (@Babylonian) March 24, 2017
I've taken a running-Map at many, many ledges in Splatoon 2.
— Joe Dillon (@joffocakes) March 25, 2017
People are already coming up with some pretty good tactics, which means I will probably never play now. Everyone's already gone past my level, which does not include such fancy things as "tactics" or "knowing what I'm doing".
Splatoon 2 tip: if you see a curling bomb coming, assume someone is hiding in the ink trail behind it. I do this constantly to approach
— Paul Veer (@pietepiet) March 25, 2017
Sadly, the fun little loading-screen mini-game, Squid Jump (it's Doodle Jump, but with squid) is no more, but Polygon found a little Easter Egg that may have been slipped in to ease the pain of Squid Jump's loss.
But perhaps the best part of all this is that Bill Trinen, mild-mannered Senior Product Marketing Manager at Nintendo America and one of the faces you've probably seen on the Nintendo trailers and Directs, can't get on. And he is MAD.
I DON'T GET PLAY SPLATOON 2 BECAUSE COMCAST IS HOT GARBAGE!
— Bill Trinen (@trintran) March 25, 2017
It's ok, Bill. You can probably just play it in the office on Monday, anyway.