I Don't Know Whether to Laugh or Cry at Metacritic Users' Negative Zelda Reviews

By Julian Benson on at

You might have guessed that we're big fans of the new Zelda. Since Friday, Rich has published three features about all the different things he loves about the game (as well as a terrible Sting parody, sorry). I say 'all the things', there's even more on the way.

Of course, not everyone will feel the same. Tonnes of games are held up as the best thing ever by some and hated by others, that's just taste. And there are definitely things about the new Zelda that may not be to your liking. For instance you may not like the non-linear approach to exploring, preferring instead Zelda's traditional structure where the world expands as you gain access to new areas through new gear. You may not like that equipment in the game breaks. Or that you have to cook food to restore your health. Or any other number of things. There are a lot new systems in this game and, for some, they may not be fun.

However, the negative user reviews for Breath of the Wild on Metacritic make for painful reading. They're not really about the game at all. At times, while going through them, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry:

2017-03-08 10_58_34-Read User Reviews and Submit your own for The Legend of Zelda_ Breath of the Wil

"It is beautiful, it is breathtaking, it is large. Beyond large. So large it is breathtaking." I'm giving Mooglemagoogle a 1/10 for repetition, see me after school.

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Shaoran2, if that is your real name, the average of those numbers is not three. It's seven. Your concept of mathematics is abnormal. I don't even understand what the problem with mountains is, "forcing up downgrade massive"? It's like google translate took up reviewing videogames. Badly.

I'm not sharing this next review because of what's written, so much as because of the story behind the review:

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I thought, 'How sweet that Skyerlst-Pidar is talking about their boyfriend Mykhail. I wonder if he gets a mention in their other reviews'. Was not disappointed:

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Except, wait a second. Who the hell is Misha? And all these reviews are dated March 3rd. Did Skyerlst-Pidar break up with Mykhail and hook up with Misha on the same day? And arrange a pre-wedding party? Is any of this real?

Yep, Metacritic reviews can be a real soap opera. And like those, they're all about extremes. You'd never guess from Metacritic that there are numbers besides 0 and 10:

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For Tywin, what is an "Overall, great game" actually deserves a final score of zero because "Zelda really ought to move faster, especially on his snowboard."

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We're just going to skip over the part where they call Link Zelda, it could happen to anyone. But tell me, Tywin, y cant metroid crawl?

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Now Skilly 225 actually makes a fair stab at a review in their post (if I were a commenter, I would say it doesn't read like a zero) but the thing that struck me is that they've written three separate reviews for the game in 14 hours... What the deuce? The first rule of review club is, you make your mind up first.

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2017-03-08 13_56_47-Read User Reviews and Submit your own for The Legend of Zelda_ Breath of the Wil

It is quite sweet that they're so surprised to find Zelda characters in a Zelda games.

This may be my favourite review, though:

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"Feels empty and unfinished like an Early Access game."

Pinball123, your taste is poor. Any player who calls The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild an early-access game should be condemned to play early-access games.