Virgin Furious That Fictional Woman Is Lesbian

By Rich Stanton on at

Stephen Morgan, 17, of South Shields, has reacted with fury to the news that Tracer, a fictional character in Blizzard's popular shooter Overwatch, has been confirmed by the developer as canonically queer.

"How can I take this time-travelling cockney seriously now that I know she doesn't respect men," says Morgan. "I'd always enjoyed playing as the character, but on the understanding that she was a heterosexual. I know that Overwatch has gorillas, sentient robots, and cowboys - but lesbians? It's political correctness gone mad."

Upon hearing the news Morgan sprang into action, marshalling his three anonymous twitter accounts to fire off some opening abuse at people celebrating the news, before fulminating with like-minded souls on a hentai forum. They exchanged photos of Tracer's 'pre-censorship' butt alongside inspirational quotes from revolutionary leaders, and agreed the character was no longer fap-worthy.

"Some people are saying 'well why does it matter, it's not like the sexual orientation of a fictional character has any bearing in the real world.' But that's not the point," Morgan laughs.

"Tracer used to do whatever I imagined but now, when I try to forget the news and think like I used to, she just laughs and runs off saying 'see ya!' We had a really serious discussion on 8Chan a while back about what would happen if she used her time-rewind powers during sex, and now I feel those evenings were wasted on a lie."

"Tracer would never sleep with me. She was just leading me on like every woman does. Have you ever heard of the red pill?"

At this point Morgan's mother entered the room to gather his dirty washing. Several crumpled balls of tissue fell loose, and Morgan shouted "Mu-um why are you always embarrassing me" before storming off.

"I wish he'd go out a bit more rather than spending every night on his computer," said Morgan's mother as she showed me out. "He spends all his time getting angry at people he's never met."