April 1st is a stupid day for bastards and shits, all of whom are out to confuse us innocent news-reporting folks and make us write something stupid up with a straight face.
But I don’t stand for that sorcery – I have made it my mission, we have made it our mission, to nip these godawful attempts at humour in the bud, round them up and let them die here in captivity, where they belong.
Oh also there are some funny April Fool’s jokes that live here too, but I’m not discriminating. Everything fake from today gets rounded up here – we’ll be adding them as we discover them, so please feel free to point out any we’ve missed in the comments.
Starcraft meets Football Manager
As a devoted follower of the word of Football Manager, this one instantly got me excited just through how quickly I recognised all of the branding and style.
Starcraft II Balance Manager 2016 is a simulation game that allows you to spend all of your time balancing Starcraft II. It is a funny idea, both because it's ludicrous and because it's a bit of a dig at people endlessly whining about how they could balance the game better.
Minecraft - the Trendy Update
Another good one, playing with popular notions of Minecraft being in some ways behind the times. Instead of bringing Minecraft to the modern world, the modern world is being brought to Minecraft. Mainly with wearables. Also: Herobrine reference.
War Thunder takes to the seas
Are those Assassin's Creed ships? Because they look like Assassin's Creed ships.
Heat Signature's bold new look
Probably my favourite of the day so far, because it's so obviously false but is also quite funny regardless of all everything. And it's delivered so deadpan, you just know some people will have fallen for it.
League of Draven
Christ, I don't even know anymore.
Arma cologne, of course
It's called Eau de Combat, because eau de toilette is a thing and oh! there goes another rib.
Alright, the ad itself is pretty well done, nicely spearing traditional perfume ads with the pointy-sharp end of satire.
Rocket League's ragequit bot
File under 'good ideas' - and while there is a download listed over on the official site, it ain't working for me right now so I can't see how quickly I get Rickrolled or whatever's going on here.
WoW's patch notes made everyone weep openly
Alright, maybe not quite weep - some might have even laughed - but it's a pretty intense fooling attempt.
Mass Effect's being made by the interns
Witty! See, a number of high profile staffers have resigned or otherwise moved on from Mass Effect: Andromeda, and this Geek.com piece runs with that to its logical conclusion. There's only interns left, so they're bringing in fans to finish the game.
I'll give it an A for the idea, a C+ for execution.
Tanks and Warships get new Worlds (of)
Hang on, isn’t this just Battlezone?
Anyway, there’s something for World of Warships too, featuring toy boats. Both events last a number of days, thus, foolishly, making Wargaming the fools in question.
Stronghold Kingdoms: Nokia 3310 edition
Hey look it’s another advert for an existing game with a joke that’s had, admittedly, a bit of work put into it. Stronghold Kingdoms isn’t coming to the Nokia 3310 though, sorry.
The ‘early pre-pre-alpha footage’ small print did make me chuckle. My resolve is weakening. Send help.
Play-Asia doesn't understand 'punching up'
— Play-Asia.com (@playasia) April 1, 2016
Dogbert The Chosen
When the title of the image used is ‘CA_Arena_composite_v5_APRIL_FOOLS_DO_NOT_USE’ you know you’re onto a winner.
It’s a new hero for Total War: Arena! It’s not. It’s a lie.
Actual satire is satirical
No point me repeating what’s over on Point and Clickbait – just go over there and read a nice, succinct story that manages to trample all over the godawful marketing-y day that April Fool’s has become.
Asahi the Dreamcast
Hey, remember the burning desire you have for the Dreamcast to make a comeback? The nostalgic pangs of half-remembered joy you get whenever anybody mentions Sega’s final console? All that good stuff?
How’s it feel to have it all used as a joke? Huh? Good? No? Are you crying? Stop crying. You’re not meant to cry. It’s just a gag. Asahi saying it’s bringing back the Dreamcast as a tap for its beers. It’s funny. Wipe the tears away.
Audi’s Emoji lights
It’s one of those things I can see actually being a reality at some point. It’d definitely help with getting your feelings across to other drivers without having to resort to some old-fashioned road rage, that much is certain.
Sony’s making a proton pack! (It’s not)
God I wish this was real. Eight-year-old Ian would die a blissful death knowing that – and he would die if he had one of these, because he’d be stupid enough to cross the shit out of those streams.
Hearthstone: The MMO
Dark Souls III: The Movie
On VHS, obviously, because somebody found a good VHS filter on Premiere.
The Witcher 3 – behind the scenes of Roach
I like this – CD Projekt Red claiming it puts bugs in the Witcher 3 on purpose, as they’re “a way of connecting people to the real world”.
Super Adventure Festival
Replacing the Super Adventure Box, Guild Wars 2’s now-regular April Fool’s event has evolved into something bigger. It’s all kinds of 8-bit fun and, actually, is a thing you can really play and get involved in for a while. I like the effort, honestly.
Thing is, it now lasts two weeks instead of just the day, meaning it clearly lasts beyond 12 ‘o clock, meaning it is ArenaNet which is the real fool here.
Because we’ve all got hands like a coal miner in the 50s, see? Game is offering insurance for your thumbs, because of all those pro gamers playing games lots and wearing out their thumbs and it’s like in other sports when they insure legs and... yeah.
It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It’s pretty cute actually. But it doesn’t quite tick the box of ‘ludicrously unrealistic while also being bloody funny in its own right’. That’s the secret criteria.
We are proud to announce Armello: Furry Road.
Coming soon to a wasteland near you! pic.twitter.com/JrkaqwINww
— Armello (@ArmelloGame) April 1, 2016
I honestly hadn’t heard of Armello until this popped up, and now I have I want to play it – even if the Mad Max spin-off is only a figment of our collective imagination/desires.
Admittedly anything with ‘furry’ in the title gets me worried these days, but that’s the internet for you.
NOT AN APRIL FOOL’S: Hyperkin’s TurboHD
As far as I can tell, Hyperkin’s new clone of the Turbografx 16 is actually a real thing the company intends to release. I base this claim on the fact the news came out a few days ago, as seen in this video:
This day does confuse people, unfortunately. You have to quadruple-check every single story you see. It’s bullshit, I tells ya.