5 Games That Definitely Won't Happen in 2016

By Lewis Packwood on at

Wow, that was some 2015, huh folks? So many great games! But wait, there are more games coming! And these ones are even better than the ones you just played! So stop playing those games immediately. Right now. Stop. These are better. Stop living in the past.

Halo 6: The Revelation

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Master Chief is on the run again - and this time he’s running from himself! Trapped in a hall of mirrors, John-117 undergoes a gruelling six-hour firefight with the chimera of his true self. Eventually, at the point of exhaustion and on the verge of mental breakdown, the Chief of Masters shakingly raises his enigmatic visor and peers at his horrible reflection in a shard of shattered glass. And what horror does he see? Why, his own tiny baby face peering back at him with tiny baby eyes. He was a baby all along! Master Chief was just a baby in a man suit! And for all these years we thought it was a big man!

Fallout: New Slough

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“Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough / For nothing there is living now”, wrote the poet Sir John Betjeman about the shabby English town on the M4 corridor. Well, the joke’s on you, Sir John, because in the year 2155 the bombs HAVE fallen… and now there’s plenty living there! Flush out a Super Mutant nest from the drab yet functional corridors of the mediocre Queensmere Shopping Centre, or take on the residents of the formidable Raider city that has sprung up in the ruins of Slough Trading Estate, once the largest privately owned industrial estate in Europe. Design your own base in the empty shell of the once mighty Tesco Extra out-of-town hypermarket, then stamp out the dangerous yet hilarious cell of fanatical David Brent impersonators who live under the bypass. Or you can simply wander the Heart of Slough wasteland, taking in it’s tarnished, rubbish beauty. The choice is yours.

Call of Duty: Playground Warfare

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Having looked forward to the advanced weapons of the future, the famed series now looks to warfare of the past - specifically to the playground battles of the 1980s. Step into the shoes of Danny “Tucker” Watson as he valiantly bullies weaker children into submission in the name of truth, justice and the American way. His noble mission will take him to various exotic locations, including the smokers’ hangout behind the bike sheds, the empty swimming pool around the back of the school where that kid drowned and it was in all the papers, and the corner shop where John Mitchell says you can buy drugs over the counter. The huge selection of upgradeable weapons features spit, a ripped open Pepsi can laced with tetanus, a blow pipe fashioned from a hollowed out Bic biro, and a stick previously used to poke a dead pigeon.

Assassin’s Creed: Desmond

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You asked for more Desmond, and here he is! Set in a shady, apocalyptic future ruled by Templars, this game sees the last remaining Assassin desperately try to save the world by tracking down an all-powerful MacGuffin. To find it, she must use her homemade Animus to journey back into the memories of her grandfather: Desmond Miles! The game is set entirely in the early-2000s world of Desmond - specifically, in the years he was a bartender. Prowl the mildly interesting streets of a perfectly recreated early-2000s New York in the hunt for a thing! And several more things! And several other things that we threw in case you’ve found the other things! Mix drinks! Hit on vaguely attractive customers with weak chat-up lines! It’s the most Desmond game ever.

Metal Gear Solid VI: The Money Shot

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Did you think the Metal Gear series was over now that Hideo Kojima has left Konami in a bizarre, year-long saga of behind-the-scenes legal wrangling and public PR disasters? Well you’d be wrong. Solid Snake is back, and this time he’s on mobile! Trapped on a prison ship in the mid-Atlantic sometime in the 1990s, the only way for Snake to escape this time is to carefully avoid the guards and play pachinko for real money. To avoid low-level guards, pay £5 now or wait 24 hours. To avoid high-level guards, wait 48 hours or pay £10 for SUPER armour. Bonus pachinko level unlocked by doing a slow dance with Revolver Ocelot.