Snake's Butt is Nerfed in Smash Bros. Ultimate, And I Feel Robbed

By Laura Kate Dale on at

If you've followed my work at Kotaku UK for a while, you might be aware I like to think myself somewhat of a video game buttocks specialist. A few months back I wrote a lengthy article about Tracer's impossibly deep cheeks, and now it's time for the newest bit of breaking gaming butt journalism out there.

Solid Snake's butt got nerfed in Smash.

I know, it's a travesty. Snake's butt in Brawl defined so much about his character. The taut, perky, muscular definition of the cheeks emphasised that he's not only strong, but dexterous. You need those gluts to commando-crawl along the floor, to climb robes, to sprint, and to hide a gun in and pretend you're unarmed. It emphasised his status as the best of the best, the world's greatest.

Now? Bleh, this could be anyone's butt. There is no longer anything about the butt that screams perfect soldier capable of anything. It is a common butt. This is the butt of someone who really does mean to start working out in the new year, but just keeps forgetting to go.

Nintendo, I demand more gluteus maximus. You labelled Smash Bros. Ultimate as featuring the return of every past Smash character, but that's a lie if Snake's butt doesn't return to us. Smash Bros. Ultimate? More like Smash Bros. Inferior if we're looking at butt tech.