A recent leak about upcoming PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds changes showed the presence of an in-game currency called Bro Cash. This may not make it to the public game, and it could be a placeholder name. But honestly: bro cash?
Well, if there's one thing that the developers of PUBG like, then that is MEN. Who's got time for girls? 50% of the planet can go take a walk, because if there's one thing that matters in battle royale it's a shit-tonne of testosterone. Can a woman fire an assault rifle? Can a woman jump out of a plane? Can a woman wear a motorcycle helmet?!? The answer to all of these questions is, of course, who cares what a woman can do: PUBG is for THE BROS.
"BRO YOU GOT CASH?"
"I GOT BRO CASH BRO!"
"LET'S BATTLE ROYALE DUDE!"
That's right, that sweet sound at the edge of your hearing is the plaintive mewling of females of the species. Those fools! Push for equality in the real world all you want, but PUBG is no place for the likes of you! Bro Cash is just the start. Here Kotaku UK presents an exclusive and made-up future roadmap for the world's premiere Fortnite substitute.
Step aside ladies! The brand-new MAN MODE provides the ultimate steak-soaked royale with cheese battle experience, an authentically penis-favouring twist achieved through the simple insight of removing all voice chat from the game. Speaking to other people is womanly! Talking is for CISSIES and not WINNERS who want CHICKEN DINNERS. So are chicken dinners come to think of it, so victory now means WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DONNER. The tears of enemies taste even sweeter when combined with suspicious late night takeaways, and your first kebab-flavoured win will bag a bonus OY OY SAVELOY emote.
They can't hear you. This is for the bros. This is the future of PUBG. This is MAN MODE.
Mid-Life Crisis Harley and Cosmetic Set
She's turned the weans against us! That's right, get ready to experience the adult peak of manhood with this overcompensating imitation Harley-Davidson bike, usually found near semi-detached property, which comes complete with a distressed leather jacket from Burtons and a pair of knock-off aviators. Bandana and jeans optional!
The mid-life crisis bike is unique among upcoming changes to PUBG in featuring a woman's role. Don't worry though - it's purely as supporting actor! Acquire a buff to your character's speed and self-confidence by paying BRO CASH for a female avatar 20 years younger to ride up back, though be aware that when she disappears there are massive debuffs to self-worth, rationality, and family life. But who cares about that commie bullshit when you're clinging on to lost youth! Is my hair thinning? Nope, that's MAN SCALP!
You know what's uncool? Loot boxes. You know what IS cool? BRO CRATES BRO. The loot with the bare necessities of life, the kind of RNGesus that every red-blooded man prays for: WEAPONS ONLY BRO. That's right bro! No cosmetic bullshit, no faffing around with a red t-shirt or a STUPID pair of digital trousers. Emotes? IN THE TRASH PRIVATE. THIS GUN IS THE ONLY MOOD YOU NEED. Get the crate that makes PUBG great, and always remember: bros before clothes.
Everyone loves bro cash! But there's another level to masculinity. Ascend now to Thetan level sixty nine by using bro cash to unlock DUDE VIEW! In Dude View all the other avatars are lads, because women just aren't very laddish at all. Every tree and back alley now has a context-sensitive urination prompt, so you can mark out territory like a pissed-up dog, And that's not all! Every melee weapon in the game is now a power tool with a manly name like the COMBI-DRILL. Every fifth house is now a Wetherspoons, selling cut-price lager. Every FOURTH house is a cheeky Nandos! And every other house has sexy posters on the walls, phwoooaar! Once you've seen the world of PUBG through the eyes of a bro, you'll never go back.
Safe Zone Renamed to Man Zone
Safe zone sounds a bit like 'safe space', and we all know that safe spaces are leftie SJW political correctness gone mad! PUBG is not about safe spaces. PUBG is about DANGER and BROS. To better reflect this, the inner circle will no longer be referred to as the safe zone but as the man zone, the place where the men fight to show who is the best man.
In addition to this, an option in the shop will allow players to spend bro cash in order to rename the blue circle 'encroaching feminism'.
Brah-p Brah-p, New Gun Sound Effects In Game
In addition to the above changes, all gun sound effects in the game will be changed to make them EVEN MORE MANLY. What's more manly than the sound of a gun? I'll tell you, it's the sound of your drunken mates making gun sounds with their mouths.
Machine guns are now Dave doing his best 'raratttaaatataata' sound effect; grenades are Frank shouting 'BOOM!' like he just saw a hottie go past at the bar. Swinging a melee weapon now plays the sound of your friend Ed slapping his penis on Stu's face because he's drunk too much and fallen asleep. Fragile masculinity? This is FULL-ON MASCULINITY.
New Map - Chaz's Bachelor Pad
In an upcoming map, players battle to the death in Chaz's bachelor pad. Chaz never got tied down by those money-grubbing woman types, so he's got a bunch of extra money to spend on his sweet pad with a load of rooms, and cool accessories like La-Z-Boy chairs and massive fridges to hide behind.
You'll find guns in the microwave, bulletproof vests in the gaming room, ammo in that MAN DRAWER full of cables and batteries every real bro has, and a really sweet car in the garage for wowing the bros. The babes! I meant babes, bro.
Energy Drinks Are Now Cheep Beer
Energy drinks are for teenage boys. Men should drink BEER, and PUBG will deliver. Now for an extra bit of evening vim you can top up your health with low quality cans of beer from the corner shop, only 2.49 Bro Cash for four cans. Take THAT Mr Sainsbury.
Tired from running to stay in the MAN ZONE? Recover with a CHEAP BEER. Sure it lowers your accuracy a little, but it buffs melee damage and real men should kill people by clubbing them with weapons anyway. When you really think about it, aren't bullets for wimps?
The System Smells Like Engine Oil and Pizza While Playing
As part of PUBG's quest to become the most realistic and immersive game for men ever, both on PC and Xbox One, the game will now force your hardware to overheat slightly, in an effort to create an atmosphere of ENGINE OIL. Now you are doing a man's job in a man's world and the bro cash has your back. Sure you'll go through hardware a little faster, because it's literally burning your system, but that's the kind of thing women worry about.
Power Ups Offered to Players Who've Never Watched a Rom-Com
Coming soon: link PUBG to your Netflix account! Your viewing history will be assessed, and the fewer rom-coms, musicals, shows with female protagonists, and shows about emotions you've watched, the more gruff rewards you'll get. Have you been watching the Sex and the City movies? Think we'll put a big pink target on you that every other player can see, and a fat bounty. Nothing but Taxi Driver and Die Hard? BRO! My brother, take this OP rifle and bring the real rain to this battle royale.