Christmas has now come and gone, and many of you will be sat at home playing some of this year’s biggest video games received as Christmas gifts. But, have you stopped to think about the Christmas gifts those gaming protagonists probably received for Christmas? I doubt it, because they’re not real people, but humour me for just a few minutes.
We got in contact with all the biggest gaming protagonists of this year, and sat down for a chat about the contents of their big ol’ winter stocking. Who needs coffee making equipment and who just needs a Henry Hoover, you can find that out these mysteries and more below.
Joker - Persona 5
A Cafetiere So He Can Stay Up Beyond the Time That Fucking Cat Says
If you’ve played Persona 5’s Opening Hours, you’re well aware that the teenage protagonist of the game is often too tired to go out and talk to his friends after a day saving the world. Okay, it’s not really that he’s actually tired, his talking magical cat just keeps shouting at him and telling him that he’s too tired, preventing you from engaging in important activities like inviting your maid teacher over to clean your room.
Later in the game you can make coffee to keep yourself awake and able to act when the cat says you're too tired, but that is downstairs, and if you’re tired the cat won’t let you downstairs to make coffee. You see the issue.
So, we got Joker a cafetiere for his bedroom, so he can make coffee in his bedroom and prove to his stupid magic cat friend he’s awake enough to go out and eat burgers the size of his head if he wants.
Link - Breath of the Wild
A Sword that Doesn’t Break or Run Low on Energy
He’s had one in every other game, but Nintendo just decided to make life a little more difficult for everyone’s favourite Hylian. Poor Link! Under the tree for you, my friend, is a sword that will never quiver or snap, no matter how many times you bash it on a rock.
Bayek - Assassin’s Creed: Origins
Probably a Goat or Something LMAO
Bayek lived in ancient Egypt, and as I understand it livestock was the primary gift provided in the area at the time if you were anything but royalty, so I’m going to suggest he get a goat for Christmas. Not to ride or to eat or anything, I just think he could use a nice soft friend. Murder takes a toll on the soul, and a cuddly four legged friend might be nice for the guy.
Aloy - Horizon Zero Dawn
A Warm Jumper
Brr! It looks pretty cold out there in Dino-land, especially with the frozen tundra of the DLC, but hardy Aloy rocks it in a short-sleeved t-shirt. Given that she’s not a Geordie lass out clubbing, this sartorial choice has to be admired and respected – but surely she could use something a little warmer? From us to you my dear, a lovely woolly jumper.
BJ Blazkowitz - Wolfenstein: The New Colossus
Honestly, I think it’s just fitting Blazkowitz get a Dreidel for Christmas because it would really wind up the Nazis he’s fighting. And he could throw out puns like “Spinning into action” or… I dunno, that’s the only halfway decent pun about murder and Dreidels.
Ethan - Resident Evil 7
Expensive but hey, Ethan is worth it! It’s one thing to get lost in a bayou of horrors, it’s quite enough when all the phones in the house are cut off, but Ethan, oh, Ethan, just imagine how good life could be with a little 3G. Chris Redfield could’ve turned up early and grenade launchered daddy psycho into next week, not to mention saving that poor cop. Modern technology: it can be a lifesaver.
B2 - Nier
A Henry Hoover
Poor old Nier’s protagonists, they spend all that time slicing up gibbering robots then find out that we are the bad guys! Or the robots are the good guys. Anyway, the lifetime of mental trauma that awaits Nier’s protagonists can be salved in traditional British fashion, by providing a jolly Henry Hoover in bright red which can be cared for, doesn’t chat back, and actually has a useful purpose beyond popping out more mini-Henry sprogs.
Edith Finch - What Remains of Edith Finch
Amazing game, but tell you what would really make it good… that’s right Edith, who needs to fear a tragic family history when you’re packing heat? It’s amazing this didn’t occur to the developers. Every other game has a gun, and it’s the one thing that might give Edith a bit of reassurance in this topsy-turvy world. Never mind emotions, this Christmas we give the gift of GUN MOTIONS.
Senua - Hellblade
A Norse Mythology Primer
Say what you will about Druith, that actor fair chews through some scenery. He kind of reminds me of the little riddle dude in Monty Python’s Holy Grail, always popping up and going “answer me these questions threee.” Senua doesn’t need this bullshit in her life, she’s got enough voices going on without whispering runes – so this Christmas we give her the gift of Norse myth in handy paperback format. She’ll never have to listen to a re-telling of Ragnarok again.
Alex Hunter - FIFA
One of Those Cheap Sports Direct Footballs For Like £3, Because He’s Into Playing Football, Right, And This Will Be Good Down the Park And Stuff
I have a younger brother, and all I really know about his interests on a year to year basis is he enjoys football. He watches it, which means he probably plays it down the park with friends, which means he probably needs a new football, right? And, what football is more high performance play ready than a cheap £3 football from Sports Direct?
Now, I hear Fifa protagonist Alex Hunter is into football too, he plays a lot of that with his football friends, so I reckon a £3 football was the perfect gift for him too. I’m sure he’ll love it and definitely not throw it out the first chance he gets.
Cuphead - Cuphead
Cuphead and Mugman are a proper talented pair of platforming shooter boys, but with all that liquid sloshing around in their heads, I can’t help but feel like their abilities are being restrained. If they're pulling off those sick moves now, imagine how awesome they’ll be now they can flip without worrying about their fluids leaking all over the floor thanks to the pair of lids we got them for Christmas. They didn’t even have to sell their soul or anything.
Sebastian - The Evil Within 2
A Microchip So He Can Track Down His Daughter
While his daughter may not be happy about getting herself microchipped, a practice which would severely limit her ability to have privacy and freedom in her life, Sebastian from The Evil Within 2 probably has more reason than most to want to be able to locate his daughter at a moment’s notice. There’ll need to be firm agreements about when it’s used, like only during supernatural evil demonic kidnap scenarios, but it’s a gift that could save him a lot of future pain and heartache.
That’s right: the industry sets them up, and Santa delivers. We hohohope you got what you wanted too, and god bless us – every one.