A few days ago, Domino's stores in Australia started selling a bunch of Final Fantasy XIV-branded pizzas. Most of these are just pizzas they normally sell, but with cute new names, like Moogle's Meatlovers or Stormblood Supreme, but there is one special pizza on the menu that's new and unique to this promotion. Yes, I'm talking about the Chocobo-themed Chocobo Chow pizza.
Let's get down to it: Domino's is saying that a Chocobo, essentially, is naught but a big chicken. Chocobo are adorable creatures that can be ridden, petted, nicknamed, and come complete with their own amazingly catchy theme music. I'd never really thought about how one would taste but, OK, let's go along with it.
I live in England, so I couldn't actually order an official Chocobo Chow pizza from Domino's. So I decided to put the UK lot to the test, and improvise whatever they couldn't handle by way of a custom pizza order.
The official description of the Chocobo Chow: a large pan pizza with a tomato base, regular cheese, chicken, pineapple, capsicum (mixed peppers), mushrooms, onion and spring onion.
The pineapple's immediately setting off alarm bells. The UK's Domino's don't offer spring onion so I cooked some and added it myself. This Frankenstein's monster cost over £20 using the restaurant's create-your-own function, with one helping of each topping.
I demand you try the Chocobo Chow... ARHHHHHH!
How was it? Well, how do you think? I would say I learned that pairing pineapple, peppers and chicken on one pizza is a terrible idea, but that was obvious from the start. All three of those toppings have clashing flavours and distinct textures which, in one big mass, just don't work together. Throw in all the other gubbins on there and there's just way too much going on at once. Too many ingredients, too many tastes that don't complement each other, too little thought. This is a bad, bad idea for a pizza.
On top of the purely foodie side, I couldn't stop thinking about my adorable Chocobo from Final Fantasy XV the whole time I ate. Bite after bite, I'd inwardly sob as the Chocobo theme ran through my mind. And after picking off all the pineapple and other yucky bits, I finished it off before solemnly mourning the beautiful bird.
Square Enix: you should be ashamed of this abomination. I pity the innocent Australian who knows nothing of Final Fantasy but who, upon walking into a pizza joint, likes the sound of a Chocobo Chow. "That's just chicken yeah mate?" No mate. It's far, far worse than that.